The Inferno

Today has been an exercise in endurance and patience for me.

Today started at 7:00 am after far to little sleep...again. These 8:00 am classes coupled with the fact that I have to stay up late to even think about seeing Haas are going to be the death of me. To make matters worse, the class I have at 8:00 this session is fitness walking, a class that is very different than what I expected it to be. I expected walking, and only walking, but the succubus teaching the class has a serious masochistic streak, and forces the class to do sit-ups from hell and then walk a mile in less than 18 minutes. However, I force myself to look at this as a good experience, do the best I can, and hope that it helps with my "Battle of the Bulge". Trying desperately just to keep myself moving, I finally made it through the mile in 19 minutes, and I made it through the majority of the sit-ups with only a couple fantasies of homocide.

After fitness walking, I got to come home to children arguing, and a visiting mother who, though I love her, tends to make me absolutely nuts. So I welcomed to few minutes of quiet I got to play "Text Twist", my new MSN games addiction. I also reveled in the fact that I was going to be able to leave the chaos behind for a couple of hours in order to go to my second summer class this session, bowling.

Now to be honest, when I signed up for bowling, I had only done it once, and thought "How hard can it be?" Unfortunately, I found out on Monday that it can be VERY hard, and that I am not very good at it. But, it is fun, and will finish my PE requirements for my degree, so what the heck? But, about half way through our second and final game today, the back of my right leg was hurting so bad I wasn't certain I was going to be able to walk out of the bowling alley on my own steam. But, I finished the game, and somehow made it home. Ah, back to hell, I mean home.

Fortunately, the kids weren't arguing this time, and my mother was going to be leaving to go to my sister's house this evening, so I was pretty chipper. My sister came over so that my mother could follow her to her house, and she, my mother and I were having a nice little visit when my mother decided to have a break down of sorts. She started sobbing hysterically, and proclaiming everything that's gone wrong in my sister's and my lives her fault. Apparently, the fact that we have both been divorced twice is a sign that WE are faulty in our approach to life and marriage, and that we have "loose morals" because she wasn't at home all the time when we were growing up. I guess the fact that one of my husband's was a cheater, the other threatened to kill me and my kids and my sister's first husband was a felon have nothing to do with the fact that we wouldn't want to continue to be married to these wonderful guys. And, i have a very hard time with parents who want to take all the credit, or blame, for what happens to their kids when they are grown. It pisses me off, and I have a hard time showing any sympathy for what strikes me as one of the most egotistical attitudes you can give. Saying that you are responsible for what happens in your kids lives once they are grown takes all the responsibility away from the kid, and any pride that they might feel about the good they did or the way they handled the bad. Actually, I was understating it when I said this pisses me off...it makes me absolutely furious!

Fortunately, after a life time of dealing with a mother who was prone to fits of all kinds when we were growing up, my sister and I handled the situation, got my mother "talked down", and managed to choke down some dinner together. Unfortunately, the visit with my sister was overshadowed by my mother's "misbehavior", and I was looking very forward to her visit. We made plans to meet on Saturday after my mother departs for home, and I hope for a better visit this time. Hopefully no guilt trips will be taken this time, and no pity parties will be thrown.

Wish me luck.

Recent Doings

It's recently been called to my attention that I have gone for almost a month without a new entry here, so although I don't get much traffic, this is for those of you who still visit my place. Here's a glimpse into what's been going on in the mind of this mad woman recently.

1. I have come to the realization that I am so horribly disappointed with the fact that I may not be able to minor in French, as I had previously planned to do, that I can't even express it. I've had disappointments in my life, many of them, and it feels silly to put this one at the top of the list, but this ranks right up there with not getting the train set I asked for one Christmas. It is still theoretically possible for me to be able to minor in French, but it looks like I would have to actually go to France to do so; a prospect that, frankly, scares the hell out of me. I want to go to France almost more than anything in the world, but alone? With no one to commiserate with about my lack of ability to communicate? Hmmm, much more thought on this one is needed. And the fear aside, it would mean leaving my kids, my boyfriend and my friends for an extended period of time, along with the fact that it is almost prohibitively expensive. But it is something to think about. Updates as they happen on this front.

2. Grad school is another issue weighing heavily on my mind these days. I know that I want to go, I just don't know where. I want to go somewhere prestigious, as I have (perhaps) delusions of grandeur, but there are many prestigious schools in the country, and picking the right one is a very, very big decision. The problem is, I don't really know how to pick a grad school, nor do I really know where to begin. With only 2 years left until I graduate with my bachelor's, I have some decisions to make on this front, and I need to get moving on it. I only have about a year before I need to start applying. /sigh!

There are a few other assorted odds and ends sucking up valuable brain space right now, such as the prospect of getting married...again, but until that becomes a reality and not just a prospect, I try not to worry about it too much. Try I said, but with me, that means I only worry about it part of the time instead of all of the time.

Anyway, that's what has been racing through my mind recently. I hope this satisfies the curious.

Revelations

I am a mother. First and foremost, that's who I am, and who I have been for the last 15 years. The path of motherhood has been, to say the least, a challenging one, but one that I have never regretted, even though I started on that path at 16. My son Nathan, the one for whom I began this role in life, has been one of the greatest challenges in my life. Nathan was "different" from the time he was born. Over the last 15 years, he has been hospitalized 4 times for emotional issues, has managed to be diagnosed with just about every mental illness the doctors could think of, has been suspended from school more times than I can remember, has had legal charges filed against him, been on just about every psychotropic medication available, and in general has made my life a living hell. He has also been one of the few constants in my life that has always made my life worth continuing. It is common belief that children need their mothers, and I will never dispute that idea. But how often do mothers realize that they need their children?
There have been many times over the last 15 years that all hell would break lose in my life, and, due to my depression, I would contemplate ending it all. But Nathan was always there. As a mother, I couldn't just leave his fate up to "the powers that be", or whatever. I'm all Nathan has, as his father...well, that's a story for another time.
For the majority of Nathan's life, I have impotently stood by while he made mistakes that I could not stop him from making. Some of these mistakes I felt would ruin his life. I have watched him grow and change, and not always for the better, but always hoping that at some point in the future, I would begin to see the son that I knew was there. The kind hearted, loving, funny child that could brighten your day with his contagious laughter. I have never given up hope on Nathan, although many have, and finally, after 15 years, this hope is being repaid.
My son, my baby boy, is growing into a man that any mother would be proud to call her own. I am seeing signs of the man that Nathan will be when he finishes this oh so painful experience called "growing up", and I like the man I see behind the teenage mask of angst. How many mothers have to wish their sons would still give them a hug in front of their friends? How many mothers yearn to hear the words "I love you, Mom." come from their teenage sons mouths? I'm lucky. My son rarely leaves the house without telling me he loves me, and still hugs me in front of his friends.
All this is not to say that we no longer have arguments, or that everything is smooth sailing for us. I have utter hell trying to get him to do the simple chores that I assign correctly, and as for doing his homework...well, maybe next year. But there are times that I, as a mother, look at my kids and think "Would you look at that? I did good!", and recent events with Nathan have been some of those times. I'm glad that I chose this path.

Yet Another Rant

A little background: I'm taking a sophomore level literature class this summer session to satisfy one of my core requirements. It's an Introduction to Literature class intended to acquaint students with different forms of literature, as in essays, poems, short stories, etc., as well as familiarize the students with the idea that usually, literature says more than just the words. There's an underlying meaning.

So the teacher assigned us two short stories to read for today, "Harrison Bergeron" by Kurt Vonnegut, and "Those Who Walk Out of Omelas" by Ursula LeGuin. Before the class even started, I knew that I was going to get irritated and frustrated by the ignorant little minds in my class. The "pre-class" discussion by those around me centered on the "stupidity" of the stories, and the fact that they couldn't even get through them, because they didn't make any sense! Ok, so I was sitting there thinking that these were the easiest stories so far this session, and that these people were just on the "dumb" side of the class.

We made it through a discussion of "Harrison Bergeron" mostly without incident, and I was hoping that we would be able to do the same with the LeGuin story, but to no avail. The first thing that happens is that one of the students begs the teacher not to give us a quiz over this story, as she didn't understand it. When the teacher smiled and said that he didn't have a quiz prepared for this story, another student pipes up with "Then why did we have to read it?!?!?" Seriously! These people are only reading these stories to make a grade and get out of the class. What happened to reading a story for pleasure, or for the message that one might take away from it? But, I digress.

So we begin the discussion of this story which begins with a description of what most people would consider a utopian society. No war, no disease, no fighting...they even have a cure for the common cold. But then at one point inthe story, LeGuin asks if the society seems perfect, if it's believable. The teacher then opens the question up for debate, and I expected most people to be like "Yeah, sounds pretty damned good, in fact." Alas, this was not to be. The narrow-minded, puritanical, immature, ignorant children in the class were mostly of the opinion that since sex was welcomed and open that the society was corrupt and doomed to failure. Now, I realize that as an atheist living in the Bible Belt, my opinions are not always greeted with great warmth, but I would be willing to lay odds that there was not a virgin to be found in that room, and I certainly didn't notice many wedding rings. Hypocrites! Fortunately, when my big mouth opened itself, as it so often does in these situations, I had the support of the teacher.

These situations infuriate me. These idealistic children who have no life experience to base their opinions on and are still carrying on with certain ideals that they have never bothered to question just need to shut up, and wait until they have something important to say. I have no problem with people voicing their opinions, even if they are contrary to my own, but they should at least have something more substantial than "Daddy said it was wrong." to back them up.

An Interesting Subject

I read an interesting article on MSN today about ways for women to tell that their boyfriend is "really hooked". One of the "dead giveaways" they cited was a declining interest in sex. Hmmmm, really? I, for one, am not convinced.
It seems to me that a declining interest in sex means an inclining interest in some other activities. Now, these other interests might well include getting to know their girl better, as the article suggested, but I think the real reasons for a decline in sexual interest are far more mundane and unromantic. Maybe the guy is bored with the girl he's got, and would rather look at internet porn to satisfy his urges. Maybe he's a gaming junkie and would prefer to play WoW all night than have sex with his significant other. Maybe he's just lazy and figures that now that his girlfriend is hooked, he doesn't need to put in the effort he did once. Maybe he's just not all that interested to begin with. And of course the most nefarious idea that is the first to go through a girls mind: "Maybe he's cheating on me." And maybe he is.
All in all, I think that this was a horribly irresponsible article for MSN to post. Ok, so maybe I'm being unfair to guys here, but as I am not a guy, I have to speak from a woman's point of view. A serious decline in sexual interest from her man is a devastating thing for a woman to deal with, and causes hurt feelings, self esteem issues and further relationship issues. Maybe this article would work to soothe the ego of a more naive woman, but I think that for any woman who has dealt with a situation like this, it does nothing.
Ok, I'll get back off my soapbox...for now.

The Last Chapter

I am an avid reader. Books were my very first love, and probably the one thing I just couldn't live without. But sometimes, books make me sad.

Have you ever read a really, really good book? The kind of book that you were reluctant to start reading the last chapter because you knew that the end of a good thing was coming, and you didn't want it to? Or how about a book that started out really good, and then by the end of the book, you knew the end was not going to be the one you had hoped for, and thus didn't want to turn that page and start the "beginning of the end"?

I am about to start the last chapter of a book within my life. I am about to file for divorce from my second husband. Merle and I got married in the JP's office on March 8, 1999. I was 23 at the time, and blissfully happy. I had found the man that would love me forever, or so I thought, and that I thought I would love forever. Ah, youth! Unfortunately, this was not to be. We had a great run, and were happy for many years. We had our ups and downs of course, but were able to work through most of our problems and rarely fought about the same issue twice. But, sadly, it turns out that our marriage was not able to withstand all. We both made some heinous mistakes, one's that the we could never truly forgive each other for. Divorce is imminent when a marriage reaches this point, and we have been separated for over a year and a half now. It is time to turn the page, and force myself to begin reading that last chapter.

Although this "last chapter" makes me unbelievably sad, it is necessary that I "read" it. I learned a great deal from this "book", and have found a rebirth of myself and of love through the destruction of something that was once so beautiful. I have a wonderful boyfriend waiting anxiously for me to become legally free, and I owe it to him, and to myself, to finish this "book", and move on to the next, and hopefully last, one.

My dad, the best man I have ever known, always said that he went to the "school of hard knocks", and hoped that his daughters would be able to avoid this particular school. My sisters and I have all attended this "school" with some frequency, and this is just the most recent example of my attendance. However, as I have no desire to repeat this particular course, I am wholeheartedly glad that I will take away some additional wisdom from this experience. I have learned:
1. People can change, usually when you least expect it.
2. Depend on yourself first, then others, for strength.
3. No matter what you think you would never do, you might just find yourself doing it anyway.
4. Never, never allow another person to be in control of your own identity.
5. Love deeply.
6. But know when it's time to let go.
7. You really can't change someone else.
8. You can't make someone get help they don't want or think they need.
9. Sometimes, the right person is just waiting for the right moment.
10. Never judge others for their mistakes and short comings. It may turn out that you will make the same mistakes later, and crow is not a pleasant dish.

All About Me

Ok, my first real post on my blog was kind of a rant, and anyone who knows me knows to expect more of that. But I thought that those who visit my blog and don't know me well, might want to know more about me than that I am a very jealous person. So I got this idea from my best friend, Kristyn's, blog, and thought I would see if I could think of 100 things about me to post here. Here goes:

1. My name is Melanie Ann Kehl.
2. I was born Melanie Ann Tidwell.
3. I have 3 kids, 2 of which are teenagers.
4. I have a wonderful boyfriend, Joel.
5. I am an English major at Tarleton State University.
6. I plan on getting my PhD in English, so I can teach at the university level.
7. The person who inspired me to become a professor is Dr. Young, my French professor and hero.
8. I am 31 years old.
9. I am terrified of needles.
10. And heights.
11. My best friend is Kristyn Marie Hammond.
12. I prefer to have few very close friends than alot of acquaintances.
13. I was born in Texas, and have never lived anywhere else.
14. But I want to live in France, at least for a few years.
15. I am chronically depressed.
16. I find great beauty in perfection.
17. I have been married twice.
18. But have never been asked to marry someone.
19. I am overwieght, but working on it.
20. I was born in Lubbock, TX.
21. I have 2 sisters, Marcy and Melissa.
22. My parents were/are Bob and April Tidwell.
23. My dad died of cancer when I was 19.
24. He used to joke that he was the owner of the "3M Coorporation", because he had three daughters whose names all started with the letter "M".
25. I have no pets, nor do I want any.
26. I am happiest when I am reading a really good book, in peace and quiet.
27. I like to write, but feel I am not very good at it.
28. I am very much a "southern" hostess.
29. I cry frequently.
30. I love to play games, just about any kind except first person shooter type video games.
31. My favorite author is Stephen King, followed closely by Robert Heinlein.
32. I am a Libertarian.
33. I am an atheist.
34. I have a love/hate relationship with shopping.
35. I have horrible PMS.
36. I have few real heroes, but the ones I do have are people I know or have known in real life, like my dad.
37. My favorite color changes almost daily.
38. So do my favorite songs.
39. The one "romance novel" I really love is "Scruples" by Judith Krantz. (shhh, this is my dirty little secret.)
40. I love food of all types, but particularly Mexican, Chinese and Southern.
41. I'm a good cook.
42. My last names have been 4 letters long in both of my marriages.
43. I have only lived in one county who's name was not 5 letters long.
44. I was born on Halloween.
45. I am, therefore, a Scorpio.
46. I am seven years older than my boyfriend.
47. I was 16, 17 and 21 when my children were born.
48. I taught myself to read when I was 3, and am still an avid reader.
49. All three of my children are my favorite in some way.
50. Although I threaten to sell them on a daily basis.
51. I wish I could believe I am as beautiful as my boyfriend tells me I am.
52. I have only been told I was beautiful by 3 people.
53. I have naturally curly hair...very curly.
54. I wish I could still believe in "happy ever afters".
55. I consider my eyes to be my best feature.
56. I am not a child of divorce, but my children are.
57. I smoke way too much.
58. I drink occasionally, but not to excess anymore.
59. I was a very wild child in my teens.
60. My children are better than I was at their age.
61. I have great hopes for my future.
62. My motto, should I have to pick one, would be: Hope for the best, expect the worst.
63. The loss of innocence makes me sad.
64. I quit high school when I was 17.
65. I got my GED when I was 20.
66. I have a 160+ IQ, according to tests.
67. I used to collect porcelain jester dolls.
68. My favorite animal is the frog.
69. I used to have a pet snake.
70. I was raised in the country.
71. I worked on my dad's farm hauling hay and taking care of cows when I was growing up.
72. I hated it then, but wouldn't trade the experience for anything now.
73. I love to sleep late.
74. And stay up late.
75. I believe that wisdom comes from experience, not necessarily from age.
76. I offer lots of free advice, and don't get upset if people don't take it.
77. I was nicknamed "The Oracle" by some of my friends.
78. I hate housework with a passion.
79. My dream car is a 1967 cherry red Ford Mustang convertible.
80. I hate to watch sports.
81. In fact, I hate sports in general.
82. But I love to swim.
83. I don't believe that wrestling is real.
84. I don't believe in the supernatural.
85. I believe that if there were an alien race advanced enough to travel between stars, they would be advanced enough to not need to abduct and probe humans for information about our species.
86. I would have been a good hippie, I was just born too late.
87. I love "Gone With the Wind"
89. And "The Wizard of Oz"
90. I'm an excellent seamstress.
91. I can do most needlecrafts, except knitting.
92. I can fix most things.
93. I have many regrets.
94. I have freckles and hate them.
95. But I love my daughter's freckles.
96. My worst fear in life is to become so overweight I can't take care of myself and others.
98. I like to take care of others.
99. My second worst fear is to become nothing.
100. This has been a very difficult thing for me to do.

Ok, so there it is. 100 things about me. I didn't think that coming up with 100 things about me would be this tough, but it took me about a week and a half. I hope y'all enjoy learning more about me.